


seasons change, yet i continue to fall

by neptunian



Series: for the moon and his star (tsukkiyama week 2019) [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Canon Compliant, M/M, akiteru is only here for a moment, fine arts major tadashi, psychology major kei, they're in college, theyre so in love im sad, this is just me projecting on tadashi im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 16:15:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20066899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neptunian/pseuds/neptunian
Summary: No matter the season, Yamaguchi Tadashi falls in love with Tsukishima Kei, undeniably and intensely.Tsukkiyama Week 2019: Day 5 (Seasons)





	seasons change, yet i continue to fall

**Author's Note:**

> quick note: if there's like. a very wide space in between paragraphs, thats a timeskip!

It was during the summer when Yamaguchi Tadashi thinks of how he cannot verbally tell and perfectly describe to someone what love is.

It's a harmless thought and is supposed to be a fleeting one considering he's watching a horror movie with Kei—ideally not the right time to think about anything else other than fear and paranoia—but it sticks inside his brain like it has double-sided tape. He racks his head for a concrete answer, looking for words that describe the intense emotion well without overdoing it. He absentmindedly chews on his lip and momentarily forgets whatever the laptop screen is showing until he realizes it was paused.

"You weren't squirming in your seat anymore..." He turns to Kei who kept his eyes on the screen. There's sweat forming on the side of his head and he wipes it before continuing. "Is the movie boring you already? Or do you want me to turn on the airconditioner higher?"

"No, no! Nothing! I was just... thinking..."

"Nothing, but you were thinking?" Kei remarks with a smirk but still doesn't look his way. The taller's fingers are lightly drumming on his laptop. "About what?"

"Something... indescribable."

Kei finally turns his head to face Tadashi with a little tilt of his head. However, he doesn't press any longer and instead asks Tadashi if he still wants to continue the movie. "Of course! I don't wanna waste this sleepover!"

"You say that like you don't stay in my dorm room often."

"You know what I mean!" Kei lightly laughs at that, but says nothing further.

Tadashi's eyes are now on the screen once again, but his mind is still stuck on Kei. He thinks of the first time he sees Kei—if his memory serves him right, it was when summer almost started. He thinks of Kei's sneer and the way he said 'Pathetic.' He thinks of how seven-year old Tadashi felt safe thanks to those judgemental eyes and towering figure. He thinks of his younger self wanting to be as cool as Kei.

The blond, probably sensing that Tadashi's still distracted, turns the laptop to the latter's direction and scoots even closer. Their knees are almost touching, and when a horrifying scream rips through the laptop's speakers, Kei slowly laces his fingers with his, placing both their hands on the taller's lap.

Tadashi also thinks of the first time he realized he likes Kei beyond the platonic boundary.

They're currently squatting on Kei's carpeted bedroom floor, pillows and blankets haphazardly stewn around them. Their arms are close and Tadashi's hand is slightly sweaty due to the summer heat but he ignores it. The time he realizes he's head-over-heels for his best friend has made him sweatier than he'll ever be, losing a decent amount of sleep the following days. Kei's face, Kei's actions, Kei's voice—everything Kei is was enough to keep him up that night. It felt like he was drinking four cups of coffee in one setting, with his nerves all bundled and jumbled and his brain going haywire.

He thinks of that scorching, feverish summer night as the movie slowly draws to an end with a little smile on his lips, him and Kei way closer than they originally sat. Even if he couldn't put into words what love is, he didn't mind plunging in headfirst even if it felt like lava burning in his chest instead of his skin.

Sometimes, they don't see each other eye-to-eye.

Tadashi stretches his arms up and his back, shaking his fingers as he tries not to yawn too loud in the library. He's almost done reading and researching for his art history project and doesn't really want to get up lest he lose the will to continue so he stays seated, desperately blinking to keep himself awake. It wasn't helping that a slow, English love song starts to play in his earphones, almost lulling him to sleep. He looks across the table from where he's sitting from, silence louder than the music blasting in his ears.

Like typical couples, Tadashi and Kei fight. They don't punch nor say hurtful words but they're two stubborn peas in a pod who sometimes refuse to see what the other sees. Sometimes the small arguments fly past, sometimes it lingers and bruises their ego more than they like, like their recent one. It's his fault, Tadashi thinks, for always being so doubtful and jealous. He let his fear and insecurities wrap around his throat and choke words out of him that he doesn't mean. Even after over a little four years of being together, he still has his doubts and horrible possibilites still run in his head like they're exercising on a treadmill.

_You've watched as my legs and pride grew taller,_  
_Oh, I wanna be the one you call drunk_

He hears the familiar tune in his ears, not fluent in the language but understands enough what it's supposed to mean. His mind flies way back, to their first fight—for a lack of a better term—when he grabbed the front of Kei's shirt, desperately yelling like he's drowning and it's the last thing he's supposed to do. Tadashi's _Motivation? What more do you need than pride?_ is ringing in his head and is drowning out his background music, which puts a small, sad smile on his lips.

He looks away and outside the window in front of him, dead leaves falling. It's a reminder that he's still falling, falling off his own rhythm. He falls down from the platform of his confidence, when he doesn't feel the credit he's supposed to be getting. He falls to the dark and dusty pit where his deepest demons reside, even when he doesn't want to.

He also falls, and is still falling, for the unpredictable mess that is Tsukishima Kei. He's the mess Tadashi is willing to deal with, even if it meant lowering his pride and changing his beliefs.

Autumn leaves continue to drift with the wind, and Tadashi is reminded that time waits for no one, so he goes back to reading. Guilt gnaws at the bottom of his chest, however, so he exhales and texts Kei.

**from: me**  
kei... i'm sorry.  
we need to talk

Three, four, five heartbeats after, Tadashi pockets his phone. When he's left with two more chapters, it vibrates. He hastily brings it out, careful not to knock his elbow with the empty wooden chair beside him.

**from: kei**  
i'm sorry too  
for not reassuring you... again  
we never learn, do we?  
i'll wait for you outside the library...  
i'm really sorry

Tadashi smiles, and he falls in love again. Sometimes, they don't see each other eye-to-eye, but Kei's willing to bend a little and Tadashi's willing to stand on his tiptoes just for their eyes to meet.

Snow continues to fall and cover Japan's streets, and Tadashi sinks further on his bed. He's covered head to toe and wrapped in a cocoon blanket but he still feels cold all over. He wonders how the Tsukishimas are able to get outside of their houses (or dorm room, in Kei's case) in this weather and proceed to hang out in a newly-opened cat café like a bunch of excited kids. He snorts when he remembers his and Akiteru's call earlier, the older groveling and whining about how he wants to see Tadashi since it's been too long.

_"You've seen each other during summer break! Quit bugging him!" He heard Kei in the background, probably trying to snatch his phone back from his brother._ _"_

_Too long!" Akiteru insists. "I miss my little Tadashi!" He sniffs like he's crying, and Tadashi could feel Kei's burning, judgemental eye roll through the phone. "He's not a little kid, stop calling him that. And what do you mean he's yours? You're being disgusting, sheesh..."_

_"Dear Kei, Akiteru chuckles. "You're pretty possessive, aren't you—ouch! Hey! I'm a grown man, don't pull my ear! Ow—" And the call ended there._

Tadashi thinks about how fun it must be having an older brother, or any sibling, for that matter.

He lets his eyes scan the paintings hanging on his walls, trying to ignore the negative thoughts knocking outside his brain. When he sees the painting of the night sky filled with different stars and a glowing crescent—the first painting he did when he started attending university—he fails. He welcomes all the thoughts as they swarmed into his mind like bees desperate to make honey.

He thinks of his ugly past: all his bullies, all his questions as to why he's being treated as such. His first self-depricative thoughts on his outer appearance (_ugly ugly i'm so ugly somebody get rid of my freckles_), his first time joining volleyball to get stronger while cautiously avoiding stronger, tougher athletes.

He thinks of his present: how there are moments where he second-guesses his course choice and his capabilities, how he catches himself wishing he was back in high school with his problems still in a smaller scope. He thinks of the moments where he wants to quit everything and cut off ties with everyone, just to move near the mountains or the sea and start anew.

He thinks of his future, owning the scariest thoughts so far. Will he be able to graduate in time? Will he be able to land himself a job that's inclined to his course but also make money? Will he and Kei still be together one or two years from now? Will he even have a family of his own? Will he die successful and contented?

Tadashi wishes his heart was as numb and frozen as the tips of his fingers.

He turns to his side and sinks on his bed deeper than he ever has been. When his blanket fall over his face, he closes his eyes. _I'm not even sure if I really love Kei,_ he guiltily thinks in a split second before tears start falling on his pillow. _What if this is just intense infatuation that I'm just used to?_ He's just twenty years old, he still has a lot of years ahead of him (he hopes), and he may meet different people. He feels like he's standing in the middle of a crossroad, lost and confused and so unsure. _Maybe I should've agreed to go with Kei. Maybe I should've just went with them to that café._

His phone vibrates on the bedside table, and he hastily wipes his tears to grab said gadget. His vision is blurry, but not enough that he sees his boyfriend's name flashing on the screen.

"Kei?" He asks in a weak voice. He hopes Kei wouldn't notice that he's been crying.

"I'm on my way back to the dorms..." Sure enough, Tadashi hears the train from the background. "Akiteru was right, maybe you should've come." Tadashi allows himself to laugh without vigor at that while rubbing his eyes. He sniffs once before he answers. "Yeah? Maybe I should've..."

There's sudden silence in between them, and Tadashi's afraid that Kei has already found out he was crying. "Are you okay? You sound tired." Tadashi hums too quick after that. "Just a little cold."

"Well..." Suddenly Kei goes quiet, and when he speaks, it's a little softer. "I'm going there fast... hope you can wait for me to hug you and hold your hands."

Tadashi's breath hitches, and he feels like a bonfire has been lit at the bottom of his chest. He smiles, and laughs. _Maybe I am in love with Kei! Maybe I'm too in love with him that it's intense and too scary for my own liking, so I start thinking otherwise as a defense mechanism!... or however Kei called it when he was studying for his Theories of Personality exam..._ He laughs out loud, lightly coughing in the process.

"Hey! I thought you liked me being cheesy!"

"I do, I do," Tadashi finally calms down and wipes the tears on his eyes one last time. "If you're not bringing me anything, I'm not letting you in my room."

"You didn't even need to ask..." Tadashi grins at Kei's shy voice, and decides that yes, yes this is love, no matter how confusing it is. Not even the numbness winter is bringing him can change that, and instead he focuses on the fire in him blazing brighter and hotter when Kei hugged him while saying "I'm home," later that day everytime he doubts their relationship.

During the spring, Tadashi is once again reminded how his feelings run deeper than he likes to admit.

He and Kei have been mindlessly walking near their university, hands close enough yet not touching. Tadashi insisted earlier that they roam around to see flowers bloom, and Kei agrees. If there's anything Tadashi is sure of, it's Kei's non-existent repulsion to his pitiful pleading (and that the taller loves him back, but that's pretty obvious), so they've been trekking for an hour like they haven't stayed here for almost three years already.

Kei spots a cherry blossom tree and nudges him. "Look."

Pale pink flowers are slowly blossoming; some are falling to the ground, making Tadashi feel like they're in a fairytale. He stares up in awe, mouth ajar and he didn't even notice until Kei pushes up his chin. He blushes, scratches the back of his neck and laughs.

"You love flowers that much, don't you?"

"Very." He tells his boyfriend with conviction, and their eyes meet. Turns out they're both blushing like teenagers out on their first date, and Tadashi sinks deeper in his feelings. Sometimes he questions if there's an end to his feelings and if he'll ever reach that anytime soon.

"What's with the blush?" Kei smirks. "You're in love with me, aren't you?" Kei raises his eyebrow and decides to tease Tadashi, probably growng shy from their staring session.

"Very much." Tadashi doesn't let himself get picked on, and instead exhales with a grin while grabbing the taller's right hand. "For years, and hopefully more to come."

Kei doesn't speak for a moment, obviously overwhelmed. "So do I..." He says after a while. He breaks eye contact and looks down on their intertwined fingers. When he squeezes, Tadashi squeezes back. When Kei kisses him, Tadashi kisses back.

Yamaguchi Tadashi feels cherry blossom petals falling around and on them, and he lazily thinks _I am too. I'm falling, too_ as he smiles in between their kisses.

**Author's Note:**

> so um... im crying this is my longest entry so far and i really projected so bad huh....
> 
> also the song mentioned here is around by niki, give it a listen! it's in my tsukkiyama playlist TAT
> 
> kudos and comments are very much appreciated! say hello to me on twitter @ranpotwt!


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